Decisions, Decisions.

"You will lose someone you can't live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up. And you come through. It's like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly-- that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp." 

Anne Lamott

*Warning: The following post will not involve an adventure or fashion. This will be personal, deep, contains a strong opinion regarding feelings, and is quite lengthy.

On December 11th, 2015, I had to put down my angel of 9 years. Mailee Anne Mensinger (pronounced Miley) was the sweetest, sassiest, and most beautiful Yorkshire Terrier I have ever encountered, but like most purebred dogs, her health waned as she got older. When we first bought her as a month old puppy, the pet shop forecasted her lifespan to be about 20 years, yet she only lasted for 9. 

I remember her last few days vividly. My grandmother was visiting from Florida, so my father, grandmother, and I brought Mailee with us to Santana Row to have lunch at The Counter. The past few weeks Mailee was having breathing problems, but the vet assured us that she was healthy and fine, but her breathing said otherwise. Throughout our day together, she was struggling catching her breath, she could not get comfortable, and she kept looking up at me and would whine. At first we ignored it, but when it came time for her to go to bed at night, she still could not catch her breath and my mother stayed up with her all night. In the morning, my father called our vet and said he was bringing in Mailee as soon as the vet opened. While my parents were getting dressed to rush Mailee off to the vet, I brought her into my room and held her, my angel face, for what I had a feeling was to be my last time. I so badly wanted to go with my parents to the veterinary clinic, but I had to go to work instead, When I got there, I explained to my manager the situation-- that my dog was in the hospital, that these could be her last moments and if my parents call and ask me to come, then I will leave work to be with my family. Luckily, she was very understanding. But unfortunately, I did get a call from my father telling me that things weren't looking too good.

To cut a long story a little shorter, she made it from until 10 AM on December 11th. The 24 hours my family endured, from witnessing her drugged up in an oxygen tank, to applying to health credit cards to pay for her medical bills, to rushing her off to an emergency pet hospital, to agreeing to euthanasia, was extremely brutal. In the year of 2015, I had to withdraw admission from attending a university of my dreams because I couldn't get approved for a loan, and my uncle, whom I was quite close to, had died. But the pain I felt from losing my puppy was almost greater than what I felt from the aforementioned losses combined. 

My biggest regret to this day, nearly 2 months after putting her down, is that I did not kiss her enough, I did not give her enough baths, and I did not tell her I love her enough.

Literally a week after putting Mailee down, our Ukrainian student who is renting out a bedroom in the house, bought my parents a new puppy. We were all still grieving, but none of us really knew how to be around each other without Mailee. Our students reasoning for the purchase was

"This family needs a dog to survive, we need an outlet to pour love into. She will never take Mailee's place, but she can help fill the void."

 Needless to say, my heart melted when I saw the fluff ball and I broke down, grabbed the puppy, and have "loved" her since. I used the term "loved" very loosely because I believe that love is not a feeling, but it is instead a decision.
When a significant other messes up and straight up pisses you off, you don't feel "love" towards them, you feel anger, but decide to continue loving them. Love is a decision you make through all the good times and the bad times because imagining a life without a person, or in my case a dog, seems exceptionally worse than living it with them.There have been so many instances with Mailee where I did not feel love towards her, where she would ruin a project I had worked hard on or peed on expensive fabric, but I knew that at the end of the day, I would decide to love her because I am her entire life and she was mine. Even after her death, I choose to continue loving her each and everyday. With my new puppy, Zara, I tend to continue reminding myself that I love her because she tends to do stuff that frustrates me like peeing on my white socks, or pooping inside the house right after I took her out, or (my favorite) eating her own poop as if to get rid of the evidence that she pooped in the house.

This puppy is new to me. She's extremely different from Mailee and is probably the weirdest dog ever, but I "love" her. The regrets I had with Mailee, I plan to compensate with Zara. Every morning I wake her up with kisses and whisper in her floppy ears that I love her. Zara will never be able to replace the angel that grew up with me and was there with me through puberty, the boyfriends, the heartbreaks, and the many phases I underwent, but she will be part of a new chapter of my life where I have learned from my mistakes and am trying to right my wrongs. Our family pets are precious beings that are too pure for this earth, only aware of the world we allow them to see. We are their entire world, so let's make it amazing. 

"Pets are humanizing. They remind us we have an obligation and responsibility to preserve and nurture and care for all life."

James Cromwell

Sleeptight and kiss your pets goodnight

xoxo

Rae Mensinger + Zara Audrey Mensinger